You know, it's strange. I've wanted to be a mom since I was very young. And of course I'd wanted to be a mom from the moment I got married, but waited not so patiently for David to be finally ready to start trying. Trying was awful. Don't get me wrong, the sex was great, but given my having issues and spending a year almost trying, it was taking its toll on me, especially when watching everyone around me getting pregnant and some seemingly by just being looked at. It brought a lot of bad feelings for me both in jealousy and frustration and embarrassment and insecurity and fear. We'd even just started discussing the possibility of IVF or adoption if we weren't able to get pregnant.
I remember the night I found out I was pregnant like it was yesterday. It'd only been four weeks since I'd graphed my ovulation and we'd have our scheduled sex, but for some reason I had this urgent feeling to go home and take a pregnancy test. I left my parents' house without telling anyone my intentions. Part of me felt silly because I was like "it's been four weeks. You won't know yet." But I just felt like I was. Those two minutes were the longest of my life. I sat there willing the stick to add lines. I took another just to verify after the first came out positive just to prove that I wasn't just seeing things. I cried and cried! It had actually happened.
As the months started passing I found myself getting incredibly scared. In turn, I found myself frustrated. How could I possibly be afraid? I'd wanted this for long. I'd begged for it to happen. I'd been through hormone therapy and sex scheduling during the death of my grandmother to get here? How dare I suddenly get afraid that I was not ready after all that! It's too late to be scared! You made your bed! But I felt afraid nonetheless. What if I didn't know what to do? What if I wasn't a good mom? What if I couldn't produce milk? Or get my baby to sleep? Or comfort her? What if she hated me? What, if we couldn't afford her? What if I can't handle the pain of childbirth?
Then she came. I remember the pain, oh boy do I. But I remember seeing that beautiful girl and holding her in my arms and my whole world stopped for a minute, and then it began. I was overwhelmed with a love I couldn't describe. This was my baby. My beautiful, perfect, amazing baby. I could do this. I would do this for her. I would be the best mom I could possibly be. For her.
Some days I have those down moments when she's been fussy and I'm tired and I wonder if she hates me. Then she comes and snuggled up against me and passes me a book to read her and she smiles. She gives me kisses. She loves me. For every flaw that I have, for every thing that I do wrong. I am doing this right and she loves me. And I love her. I am so proud and amazed at this little girl and at myself for being a parent who is present. Who teaches her and plays with her and makes her feel comfortable and safe. Man I love my daughter. I was destined for motherhood.
