Tough Night...

So I'm having one of those tough nights tonight. I'm actually shocked that I've done as well as I have leading up until tonight. I know that last time when we were trying I was honestly depressed when I saw my pregnant friends, or their newborns, or anyone else that was pregnant or have had a baby for that matter. It killed me over and over again. This time around (maybe it's because I've got one already...I don't know) I've been finding myself much more just happy for my friends. In fact, I don't really think I've had anything even remotely close to the sadness and jealousy that I'd experienced in the past...that is, until tonight. So I guess I could say it's a good thing that it's only now, but regardless, I'm having a hard time with it. A big part of me is so happy for my friends, but that ugly jealousy is seeping in now too. I DID get a period this month (without meds) which is incredible. The unfortunate thing is that I've been taking ovulation tests waiting for it to happen, and so far, still nothing. So next month I'll be contacting my Dr. again to see if he's going to end up sending me to a specialist, or if we're going to just try another few rounds of progesterone, or what. :/ 

I almost cried!!

So I finished my last round of Progesterone back in September, and was really frustrated/stressed/sad/upset about the fact that I still hadn't had a period after 5 rounds of treatment. October went by...most of November went by....and then on Monday I started light spotting...or so I thought!!! I have never been so happy to have a period! Haha, I know, women everywhere think that I am crazy, but that is literally the first period that I've had in 15+ years that was not medically induced. It means that my body is starting to work on its own again, and more importantly, it means that we can now REALLY start the process of trying for baby #2!!! Woo hoo!! Now we've just got to wait until January to officially start so that if we are (hopefully) successful, we won't have to miss our family reunion that we planned in July. :)

Update:

Welp, I finished my fourth round of progesterone treatment, so now it's just a waiting game until January. If my body doesn't start working on it's own between now and then, it looks like I will be being referred to a specialist. :( So fingers are cross and hoping that this will all work out on its own.

Round 3:

Just finished round three of hormones. :/

Welp...

Tonight starts my third month of progesterone. :( It's seriously bumming me out. That said, I guess I won't be getting pregnant before January, in the very least. We had until the end of this month to try before we take a break until January so that I'm actually able to attend the family reunion next summer that I planned. It kind of sucks...a lot, because I have so many friends that are pregnant right now...on the other hand, I guess it works out because it means I won't be pregnant during my sister's 21st birthday, and for the holidays. 

I've Been Knocked Down A Peg Or Two...

And feeling ridiculously grateful for my sweet baby girl. I have to remember that with every struggle that I am having, regardless of how painful or big it feels...someone else always has it worse. While it would absolutely break my heart if I weren't able to get pregnant again, I am blessed each day to be Sophia's momma. I love her with every beat of my heart. 

All good things must come to an end...

My heart hangs a little heavy today. Today is the first day that I am attempting to stop milk production. I am using cabbage leaves and peppermint altoids. I am extremely saddened by this, and quite frankly, a bit scared. I love my bonding time with my precious goose. 

I imagine I'll receive some criticism for this decision, but it is time. We are trying to get pregnant with baby #2 and I am having the same problems as last time, and have to take hormones that just are not good for her to be receiving through nursing. Yesterday she turned 1.5 years old. I could not be more proud/happy that I was able to breastfeed as long as I did. 

I remember being so afraid of breastfeeding before she was born. I'd heard so many horror stories about how it hurt. Then I got educated. And not only did she latch immediately, but we've had an amazing and long run. :) 

This is going to be so hard for me though. Even as I write this, she is trying to force herself into my top. :( It's so hard to have to tell her no. I'm hoping this will not remain as hard as it feels right now. It's emotionally draining. 

Progress...

Yay! This makes me happy. So I finished my first round of progesterone this past Friday, and as of today, I am on day 3 of my period! This is great! Because it means that I'm another step closer to having my body working properly. According to a few of the stupid little ovulation predictor sites, it looks like next weekend and a few days after are when they think my body will be ready, but I'll take another test in a few days and see where we're at. That would be amazing though. 

Interesting..

So now I'm just confused. I've only been on the pills for four days so far, so it wouldn't really make sense for them to be working already, but I've got some terrible cramps going on. So I'm hoping that that is a positive thing and that that means that the pills are in fact going to work rather quickly. On the other hand, if they aren't, then I'm just confused as to what this is. 

One Less Worry..

Okay, well that's good. I had an appointment with my gyn today and he wrote me the script for the progesterone, so here we go again. Hopefully it will work as nicely as it did last time. Last time I was on it for 3 months and the first time I ovulated, we got pregnant. Here's to hoping for the same results!

Agh...

Seriously, it must be nice to be able to get pregnant without even trying. Without having problems and needing help. 

So despite him wanting me to wait...

I feel completely sure that I am in fact having the same problem and that I need progesterone hormones again. I don't know if I should humor him longer and keep wasting time taking these stupid tests that only make me more frustrated, or try calling again to get in and get the pills. Agh, this is so frustrating.

Let Down

Welp, as I'd figured, it was not correct. So onward we go. Unfortunately, like I said, I think my body is back to having the same issues that it did last time and that I'm just not ovulating again. I am pretty positive that I am going to need progesterone again. Meanwhile, it's really frustrating/annoying/saddening to once again see people, including family that get pregnant at the drop of a dime. It makes me jealous and somewhat angry. I'd called the Dr. last week about it, and he told me that even though it's been two months, that rather than coming in and getting the blood test just to make sure that I'm in fact not ovulating, to just do these over the counter tests. So I'm doing these stupid things over the course of a month, and if I haven't by then, I'm going and asking for the progesterone. I do NOT want to go through what I did last time, trying for a year and finding out that all of that time was wasted. And unfortunately, we're on an odd schedule right now. Basically we're only going to try for the next month or so and if we don't get pregnant then, then we are stopping trying until January, because I've been planning this family reunion for his family that is next July, and if I get pregnant anytime in between then, then I'll be too pregnant to go on the trip. :/ This whole thing is so frustrating. But it's even more frustrating when people tell me not to stress about it, and just let it happen because they don't get that this is not just a "hey, maybe this week it'll happen" but that my body physically is not able to get pregnant in its current state. 

Confusion...?

Okay, so I'm confused. It appeared that I have not been ovulating again and I've taken two tests now, well three. This is going to be TMI for most, just so you know, so if you don't want complete brutal honesty, now might be the time to stop reading. But at any rate, I took my second one like two days ago and it had shown up negative, but just a few minutes ago when I went to go pee, I noticed a little of a clear gooey discharge (common with ovulation) so I went ahead and took another test, just in case, and maybe my eyes are tricking me, but it looks like it's the same damn line, which means I AM!? So praying that it's correct. I'm going to see tonight at Walmart if any other ovulation tests are a little more easy to read just to verify. But this could very possibly mean great news! :)

Planning..

We are now going to start trying for baby #2. Unfortunately, this one may be even a little more difficult than the last because with Sophia, I was able to do my temp. checks in the mornings to find out when I'm ovulating. Unfortunately, since she comes back to bed with me in the mornings when she wakes up, I can't really do that because I'm immediately dealing with her as soon as I wake up. I've got slight concerns about whether or not I'm even ovulating again or not since last time I went almost a year of trying before we found out that I wasn't. So tonight I took an ovulation test, which was negative and will continue to do so every few days to hopefully see if I'm working right. So I guess we'll see. 

This is Different...?

So this probably sounds strange after the multiple posts about how stressed/frustrated/depressed/insertothersadfeelinghere, but something different has been happening the past few days. Well, really, the past few weeks I guess it has been a gradual shift. David took on a second job to try and help us increase our income, and also to possibly set himself up for a full-time position here in town, which would obviously be amazing. However, because of that, to extents, I've kind of become a single parent. It's not that this is what he meant to happen and I know that he wishes he could spend more time with both Sophia and I, but the fact remains that at least for the next few months, it is what it is, which is basically he's there to help with her on some Saturdays, and for an hour or two sometimes on Sundays. There's the occasional two hour span that's possible on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday but that all depends on just how tired he is. Last week he crashed shortly after coming home a few days. I don't resent him at all for it...that's not what this post was about. 

The shift is that I have had to take on a little more work now. The time spent with Sophia by myself has lengthened. There is more to do around the house. More cleaning and less help. More meals to make for Sophia and I. More time alone, and during times when I especially don't want to be, like during massive storms. Agh. But somehow good has come from this. Don't ask me how, because I don't know. One would think that if I was already having a hard time, that by adding more solitude and more responsibility that I'd have an utter meltdown, but it seems to actually be having the opposite effect now. Despite even less sleep, I'm somehow coming up with more energy. Today, my sister and I spent a good portion of the day cleaning my house, and it felt amazing! I've got my garden growing, and now that it's starting to produce, I'm even getting to eat stuff from it and incorporate that into my dinners! I'm finding (somehow) more time after Sophia goes to bed to work on my crafting. I made four hats last week, and tomorrow I'm planning to start on the dress that I am making Sophia for our trip to Disney this summer. 

Sophia and I have been spending so much time together. We read, watch PBS (judge me all you want), color, play outside, water the garden together, pick flowers, wrestle, snuggle, eat together, take bubble baths together. It's amazing. And of course when she DOES get to see Daddy, she is all about him, which is great, because I had big worries that the opposite would happen and that she'd not so much forget about him, but lose interest since he's gone so much. But she loves the heck out of her Daddy and loves to play with him and snuggle him too! 

I don't know. I don't know what it is, or where it came from or why, but I'm in a good place, and I like it here. I'm hoping to stay in it for a while. :)

Update:

IUD removal successful. It was pleasantly not painful. I also picked up more prenatal vitamins yesterday and got started on those, so yay! Another step closer. :)

And tomorrow I start tracking my temps again. So thankful for http://www.myfertilitycharts.com.

One Step Closer...

So today I called to set up an appointment for my annual check up and to ask how far in advance I would need to get my IUD removed. The lady then said "well if you want, we can schedule it now to do both at the same time!" Now I'd planned to get it removed in August, but on the other hand, a) I wouldn't have to come back again and b) given the trouble that I had before, maybe it'd be good because it'll give my body a chance to regulate again and for me to see if I'll need to look into hormone treatment again if not instead of starting the process in August and then waiting months to be able to really try. So as of Tuesday at 2:45pm I will be officially one step closer to trying for a second baby. :) 

On a side note, I've decided that on my next pregnancy, I'm going to make a lot more things ahead of time like a maternity hospital gown, a car seat cover, a car seat blanket, and several other maternity clothing items. Either that or I'll have to find a friend that is good at sewing and would do it for cheap if I get them the patterns. :)

Down on Myself..

Man, it sure gets tough. I love her to death and wouldn't change her for the world! I LOVE being a mom. It is incredible and full-filling, and is the most amazing thing I've ever done. But it gets hard sometimes. Not being a mom, but being a wife. Between David now working two jobs and me watching Sophia 24/7, we really don't have time for each other anymore. Unfortunately, there's really only two people that I would genuinely trust to watch her the way we would, or I'd try to do more date nights, or even just a day for me. I feel like since becoming a mom, my wifely duties have seriously slacked. I try to keep all the laundry done, but usually it gets washed and dried and half the time either ends up staying in the dryer for a few days because I forget about it, or ends up staying in baskets unfolded because I can't get to putting it away while Sophia is awake, and by the time she's in bed, I just want a few minutes to myself, so I get lazy and sit down and watch Hulu or surf the net. 

Don't even get me started on the dishes...dishes have never been my favorite by a long shot. I hate the dishes, but I've been really trying to stay on top of them, both so that we a) have dishes to use, and b) so that my kitchen is not overflowing all over the counter (for the millionth time), and c) so my whole house doesn't start to stink. 

As far as cleaning up after Sophia goes...I've basically given up. I clean up randomly throughout the day, and I try to tidy up at night, but she immediately finds it all the next morning and it's once again thrown across the whole room if I'm lucky, but most often throughout the house. And I have so many crafts that I want to do, and I want to sew her all sorts of outfits and whatnot, but there just simply isn't enough time in the night for that to happen. And since I'm with her constantly, it's not like I can just break away and work on it here and there, so it just sits there waiting for me to eventually get to it, but I never do. I have this dress that I want to make her for when we take her to Disney this summer, and I have most of the material and whatnot, and I have the pattern, but I can't work on it after she goes to bed because I think it'll be too loud and will wake her up. 

I'm a good mom. Actually, no, I'm a great mom. Like a really really good mom. I know that. I will never question that because I have a happy, healthy, amazing, smart, beautiful child and I know that I am doing right by her. I just wish that I could be both an amazing mom and even a good wife. I'd settle for good. David would never say it, but I honestly wonder if he thinks I'm a bad wife too. If he comes home after working two jobs and sees the house a mess and Sophia asleep and me watching Hulu and wonders why the fuck I can't manage to get the damn house cleaned for once. And I wonder the same thing too. How do other mom's do it? What am I doing wrong? Or am I just spending too much time focusing on my kid that I let the house slide? At what point is that not a good thing? Agh. It's so frustrating. 

Destined for Motherhood

You know, it's strange. I've wanted to be a mom since I was very young. And of course I'd wanted to be a mom from the moment I got married, but waited not so patiently for David to be finally ready to start trying. Trying was awful. Don't get me wrong, the sex was great, but given my having issues and spending a year almost trying, it was taking its toll on me, especially when watching everyone around me getting pregnant and some seemingly by just being looked at. It brought a lot of bad feelings for me both in jealousy and frustration and embarrassment and insecurity and fear. We'd even just started discussing the possibility of IVF or adoption if we weren't able to get pregnant. 

I remember the night I found out I was pregnant like it was yesterday. It'd only been four weeks since I'd graphed my ovulation and we'd have our scheduled sex, but for some reason I had this urgent feeling to go home and take a pregnancy test. I left my parents' house without telling anyone my intentions. Part of me felt silly because I was like "it's been four weeks. You won't know yet." But I just felt like I was. Those two minutes were the longest of my life. I sat there willing the stick to add lines. I took another just to verify after the first came out positive just to prove that I wasn't just seeing things. I cried and cried! It had actually happened.

As the months started passing I found myself getting incredibly scared. In turn, I found myself frustrated. How could I possibly be afraid? I'd wanted this for long. I'd begged for it to happen. I'd been through hormone therapy and sex scheduling during the death of my grandmother to get here? How dare I suddenly get afraid that I was not ready after all that! It's too late to be scared! You made your bed! But I felt afraid nonetheless. What if I didn't know what to do? What if I wasn't a good mom? What if I couldn't produce milk? Or get my baby to sleep? Or comfort her? What if she hated me? What, if we couldn't afford her? What if I can't handle the pain of childbirth?

Then she came. I remember the pain, oh boy do I. But I remember seeing that beautiful girl and holding her in my arms and my whole world stopped for a minute, and then it began. I was overwhelmed with a love I couldn't describe. This was my baby. My beautiful, perfect, amazing baby. I could do this. I would do this for her. I would be the best mom I could possibly be. For her. 

Some days I have those down moments when she's been fussy and I'm tired and I wonder if she hates me. Then she comes and snuggled up against me and passes me a book to read her and she smiles. She gives me kisses. She loves me. For every flaw that I have, for every thing that I do wrong. I am doing this right and she loves me. And I love her. I am so proud and amazed at this little girl and at myself for being a parent who is present. Who teaches her and plays with her and makes her feel comfortable  and safe. Man I love my daughter. I was destined for motherhood. 

Baby Envy...

I'm seriously missing being pregnant now and really want to try for another baby...hopefully a boy! Everyone is pregnant again, including my sister-in-law. We'd planned before Sophia even arrived that we'd start trying again this summer. Now I'm just trying to figure out when I want to get my IUD removed. I've been thinking closer to fall...August, September or October. Not sure which. Part of me wants to as soon as possible, the other is trying to be smart about it. 

PPD..?

I always thought that PPD was something that was more immediate after having a baby. But now I'm starting to feel like maybe I'm beginning to fall into it. I've been having a really hard time lately and it just seems to be getting worse. I feel lonely 90% of the times, even when people are around sometimes. I'm super tired and just plain sad and want to cry. It's overwhelming and scary.

Things to Have For a New Baby:

Mostly this is a list of the things of importance of what is good to have for a baby verses all of the new, cool things that you see in the stores and think you MUST have, or people suggest you have.

*swing or bouncer

*ergo

*basinette/co-sleeper bed attachment

*lots of diapers (huggies for newborns!)

*lots of wipes

*burp cloths

*plenty of tank tops

*boppy pillow

*bumbo

I'm trying to think if there is anything that I'm leaving out that was most important to me or anything that I wish I had, but didn't have. But for now, this is my list. If I think of anything else, I'll add it later. 

Cannot Believe It!

My sweet angel is 1 year old tomorrow!!! Ahh!!!