I've been feeling a lot of anxiety recently. I think a lot of that probably stems from the hormones, and just general stress, like that involving my insurance change that has taken it's sweet precious time, and trying to figure out (since it hasn't gone through properly) how much we will have to spend in the meantime, or how long we'd go without being able to get care. Another thing (a stupid one) that's been stressing me is not knowing if it's a boy or girl. I felt so confident and sure that it was a boy when I first got pregnant, but Sophia really wants a girl, and so does David. Regardless, I will be happy with whatever it is, and I will love it more than words.
Another stupid thing is that even though I had the majority of necessities from Sophia, I just feel like I'm running out of time. Like it's going by too fast. I mean I still didn't know Sophia was a girl at this point last pregnancy, but for some reason (maybe because I'm showing so much more this time), I feel further along, and like I'm rushed, and that the baby will be here any minute and that I don't even have time to think about it. There's only a few things that I want/need to get, regardless of gender (insert for the carrier, bottles, diapers) and clothes if it's a boy, but it just feels overwhelming right now.
I'm also overwhelmed a little about the whole birthing center situation. I love this place, and I am so excited to birth my child there, and especially to be able to experience a water birth. Oddly, my concerns are not about if something goes wrong because a) I feel confident about it, and b) if something does, they are in the parking lot of a hospital that is equipped for emergencies, but it's that if I end up having GD (i didn't according to the early testing, but that may change), they won't be able to take me, because then I'm considered "high risk" even though last time I maintained it the entire time with just diet. Also, if I don't have GD, and AM able to birth there, it gives me a little bit of anxiety that they send me home like 4-6 hours after giving birth. Again, it makes me feel rushed, and a little anxious. That feels so quick. Maybe I'll want that when the time comes, but right now, it just feels scary quick.
Sophia has been amazing, and LOVES this child so much already. She is so excited to be a big sister, and insists on letting the baby sleep with her every night. She kisses my belly, and makes sure that mommy and daddy tell the baby goodnight each night and give it kisses. She likes to look at one of the apps that I have that shows what the baby looks like at each week. I have no doubt that she will be an amazing big sister. What worries me is how little sleep I already get, and with breastfeeding, I know I'll barely sleep at all, and I'm so worried about now having enough energy to function for the two of them.
I've also been contemplating whether or not to do a small gender reveal. I've always thought they were really cute, and I found so many cute things on pinterest. I decided that this time around, since I can only have 3 people in there (and David and Sophia will be there) that I'm not going to have my mom or sister and want to surprise them. But, then I think about how few friends I have, and how few family I think actually give a crap if it's a boy or girl, and wonder if it's even worth it to have a mini gender reveal party if the only ones who are actually going to give a crap are my immediate family. Agh, I don't know. Maybe I'll ask around and see if anyone has any interest in attending, and decide based on that, but if I am having one, I guess I need to get on it quickly since I find out in about two weeks.
