I always thought that PPD was something that was more immediate after having a baby. But now I'm starting to feel like maybe I'm beginning to fall into it. I've been having a really hard time lately and it just seems to be getting worse. I feel lonely 90% of the times, even when people are around sometimes. I'm super tired and just plain sad and want to cry. It's overwhelming and scary.
Oh Erin, I really feel for you. I went through something similar. For, the first year (especially first 6 months) was relatively easy. They don't do a whole lot aside from sleep, eat, and poop. Sure, he always wanted to be held by me and he was worn in the moby wrap most of the day, but none of that bothered me in the slightest. I was very pleased that the baby blues seemed to escape me.
ReplyDeleteThen toddlerhood hit us full force and I was NOT expecting for that to be so hard on me. I never thought babies were easy and I knew I would not get a full night's rest. But toddlerhood (for us thanks to teething and a fearless climber) meant all night nursing and keeping my eyes on him at all times. I wasn't unhappy to do it, but I felt like I lost all of my other identities which meant I felt like a failure. A lot of people sleep train at this time, but I knew the crying and nursing was from teething and there was no way I could do sleep training! Once his canines broke through, we had a little break.
Motherhood is a very lonely time for many of us. We were flat out broke during this time, so I felt guilty any time I went anywhere. I was stuck in a huge slump his second year of life.
One thing I have noticed is that it is a lot easier to find non-flakey mommy friends in the south end of the county. Plus, the groups are bigger, so if people do have to cancel, there are many others still attending the playdate. Even meeting at the park for 45 minutes makes a huge difference in how I feel. Of course, going to the park alone doesn't have the same effect :-/ I just don't think moms are supposed to be alone with their kid all day long. It feels like it goes against how humans have evolved and I know how psychologically hard it is on many of us. I just don't know how to fix it.