This is Different...?

So this probably sounds strange after the multiple posts about how stressed/frustrated/depressed/insertothersadfeelinghere, but something different has been happening the past few days. Well, really, the past few weeks I guess it has been a gradual shift. David took on a second job to try and help us increase our income, and also to possibly set himself up for a full-time position here in town, which would obviously be amazing. However, because of that, to extents, I've kind of become a single parent. It's not that this is what he meant to happen and I know that he wishes he could spend more time with both Sophia and I, but the fact remains that at least for the next few months, it is what it is, which is basically he's there to help with her on some Saturdays, and for an hour or two sometimes on Sundays. There's the occasional two hour span that's possible on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday but that all depends on just how tired he is. Last week he crashed shortly after coming home a few days. I don't resent him at all for it...that's not what this post was about. 

The shift is that I have had to take on a little more work now. The time spent with Sophia by myself has lengthened. There is more to do around the house. More cleaning and less help. More meals to make for Sophia and I. More time alone, and during times when I especially don't want to be, like during massive storms. Agh. But somehow good has come from this. Don't ask me how, because I don't know. One would think that if I was already having a hard time, that by adding more solitude and more responsibility that I'd have an utter meltdown, but it seems to actually be having the opposite effect now. Despite even less sleep, I'm somehow coming up with more energy. Today, my sister and I spent a good portion of the day cleaning my house, and it felt amazing! I've got my garden growing, and now that it's starting to produce, I'm even getting to eat stuff from it and incorporate that into my dinners! I'm finding (somehow) more time after Sophia goes to bed to work on my crafting. I made four hats last week, and tomorrow I'm planning to start on the dress that I am making Sophia for our trip to Disney this summer. 

Sophia and I have been spending so much time together. We read, watch PBS (judge me all you want), color, play outside, water the garden together, pick flowers, wrestle, snuggle, eat together, take bubble baths together. It's amazing. And of course when she DOES get to see Daddy, she is all about him, which is great, because I had big worries that the opposite would happen and that she'd not so much forget about him, but lose interest since he's gone so much. But she loves the heck out of her Daddy and loves to play with him and snuggle him too! 

I don't know. I don't know what it is, or where it came from or why, but I'm in a good place, and I like it here. I'm hoping to stay in it for a while. :)

Update:

IUD removal successful. It was pleasantly not painful. I also picked up more prenatal vitamins yesterday and got started on those, so yay! Another step closer. :)

And tomorrow I start tracking my temps again. So thankful for http://www.myfertilitycharts.com.

One Step Closer...

So today I called to set up an appointment for my annual check up and to ask how far in advance I would need to get my IUD removed. The lady then said "well if you want, we can schedule it now to do both at the same time!" Now I'd planned to get it removed in August, but on the other hand, a) I wouldn't have to come back again and b) given the trouble that I had before, maybe it'd be good because it'll give my body a chance to regulate again and for me to see if I'll need to look into hormone treatment again if not instead of starting the process in August and then waiting months to be able to really try. So as of Tuesday at 2:45pm I will be officially one step closer to trying for a second baby. :) 

On a side note, I've decided that on my next pregnancy, I'm going to make a lot more things ahead of time like a maternity hospital gown, a car seat cover, a car seat blanket, and several other maternity clothing items. Either that or I'll have to find a friend that is good at sewing and would do it for cheap if I get them the patterns. :)

Down on Myself..

Man, it sure gets tough. I love her to death and wouldn't change her for the world! I LOVE being a mom. It is incredible and full-filling, and is the most amazing thing I've ever done. But it gets hard sometimes. Not being a mom, but being a wife. Between David now working two jobs and me watching Sophia 24/7, we really don't have time for each other anymore. Unfortunately, there's really only two people that I would genuinely trust to watch her the way we would, or I'd try to do more date nights, or even just a day for me. I feel like since becoming a mom, my wifely duties have seriously slacked. I try to keep all the laundry done, but usually it gets washed and dried and half the time either ends up staying in the dryer for a few days because I forget about it, or ends up staying in baskets unfolded because I can't get to putting it away while Sophia is awake, and by the time she's in bed, I just want a few minutes to myself, so I get lazy and sit down and watch Hulu or surf the net. 

Don't even get me started on the dishes...dishes have never been my favorite by a long shot. I hate the dishes, but I've been really trying to stay on top of them, both so that we a) have dishes to use, and b) so that my kitchen is not overflowing all over the counter (for the millionth time), and c) so my whole house doesn't start to stink. 

As far as cleaning up after Sophia goes...I've basically given up. I clean up randomly throughout the day, and I try to tidy up at night, but she immediately finds it all the next morning and it's once again thrown across the whole room if I'm lucky, but most often throughout the house. And I have so many crafts that I want to do, and I want to sew her all sorts of outfits and whatnot, but there just simply isn't enough time in the night for that to happen. And since I'm with her constantly, it's not like I can just break away and work on it here and there, so it just sits there waiting for me to eventually get to it, but I never do. I have this dress that I want to make her for when we take her to Disney this summer, and I have most of the material and whatnot, and I have the pattern, but I can't work on it after she goes to bed because I think it'll be too loud and will wake her up. 

I'm a good mom. Actually, no, I'm a great mom. Like a really really good mom. I know that. I will never question that because I have a happy, healthy, amazing, smart, beautiful child and I know that I am doing right by her. I just wish that I could be both an amazing mom and even a good wife. I'd settle for good. David would never say it, but I honestly wonder if he thinks I'm a bad wife too. If he comes home after working two jobs and sees the house a mess and Sophia asleep and me watching Hulu and wonders why the fuck I can't manage to get the damn house cleaned for once. And I wonder the same thing too. How do other mom's do it? What am I doing wrong? Or am I just spending too much time focusing on my kid that I let the house slide? At what point is that not a good thing? Agh. It's so frustrating.