More Testing..

So I got ahold of the Dr. today, and as I suspected, he wants me to go get more blood tests done tomorrow to check my hormone levels, just to make sure that they are increasing instead of decreasing. The bleeding has still been super minimal, and I haven't had any cramps the past two days, which is good. So I'm hoping that this is just normal cramping and spotting that has happened, and that so far, we are still good to go. In other news, I guess this is what they mean by breast tenderness. I've never felt this before, but as of today, my right breast feels almost bruised, as if someone punched it. It doesn't hurt if I don't mess with it, but if you touch it, it hurts. Fun. Also, as of today, I am 5 weeks pregnant.

Not Just Yet..

I'm trying not to get too excited or starting to relax yet, but the little bit of cramping that I did have today subsided, and I've still only had just a tiny bit of dried blood spotting. No severe cramps or heavy bleeding, which is good already, but I realize that could change at any moment. All I can ask if for your prayers that everything stays well, and that this baby is a fighter.

So Stressed Out..

Yesterday was a super stressful day, which had my anxiety really up. I always hear the horror stories of don't get stressed out because it can cause miscarriages, and just thinking about it stresses me out more. I realize that miscarriages are common, but I really don't want that to happen. Then this morning, I went to the bathroom, and was spotting every so slightly, which according to What To Expect When You're Expecting unless it's a lot of blood and includes severe cramping, which I haven't had, that it's likely to be nothing and is also very common, but it still has me freaked out. :(

Scary And Exciting..

Today I had my first Dr.'s appointment. They did some blood work (5 viles worth of blood), did a pelvic exam, and did my first ultrasound. :) Based on what we can figure, it looks like I'm about 4.5 weeks pregnant. Going to the Dr. was both scary and exciting. Exciting for obvious reasons, a little scary just because I was on my own, but I'll survive. My next appointment is the 20th, when I'm at 8 weeks and hopefully will be able to hear a heartbeat then, assuming I make it that far. I'm not trying to be pessimistic, I just know that a lot of people have miscarriages at first, and want to be prepared regardless. But the good news is, it's all a step in the right direction for now. Right now I'm ridiculously tired because I only got in about 3.5 hours of sleep lastnight before I had to get up for the appointment. So I think I'm going to finish watching Glee, and then go take a nap for a little while, now that I've eaten something.

Already?

Well, I don't really know how far I'm supposed to be, because I don't really understand how the weeks are counted, but I'm already peeing like crazy, and my back is killing me. Agh.

And Another..

So to play it safe since everyone was pessimistic, I took another test to see if maybe it was a false positive. The second test also showed as positive. So if it is a false positive, it's two of them. But I'll check again Monday or Tuesday, and give it a few days and try one more time. Or I'll call my Dr. on Monday and see what he says to do. It he wants me to wait and take another or if he wants me to come in to do a blood test or what. We'll see.

Say What?

So I've been still tracking everything, and I'd taken the ovulation test as I'd mentioned. For some reason, tonight I came home, and felt like I should take a test. And I took the digital pregnancy test, and by the grace of God, it said "pregnant." I am trying not to get too excited because I know that things can happen, but my fingers are crossed, and I'm really hoping this is not a false positive.

Could Be Better..

I don't know if it's the hormones, or the stress, or the weather or what, but I'm having a pretty down day today. It started alright this morning, but as the mid-late afternoon rolled in, I just started to feel depressed. It's been just a sad, crappy feeling day, and it only stresses me out more.

Potential Good News..

So I've been tracking my temps via http://www.myfertilitycharts.com/, and as of this past few days, my temps have gone higher, and according to this, I'm in my prime fertileness. But just to be more sure, I went to Walmart this evening, and picked up some ovulation tests. I just took one, and it says that based on my results that within the next 24-48 hours I will be ovulating. I'm trying not to get too excited just in case, but it sounds like it may actually, finally be happening. My fingers are definitely crossed.

Probably TMI But...

The past few days I've noticed a clearish gooey discharge that I don't normally have. I thought it was kind of strange. I know I don't have any infections or diseases or anything, but it had be curious, so I just looked it up and found this. Apparently that discharge is a created as a result of soon to be ovulation, a few days prior in order to keep the sperm alive longer. 

So without getting too excited, maybe this is good, because maybe it means that the pills in fact are working, that it just took longer for my body to process than the Dr. had initially thought. I've been keeping track of my temp, and it hasn't increased at all yet, but while I was going to start my next round of pills tomorrow, maybe I'll hold off another 5 days and continue to monitor my temp to see if there are any changes in the next few days, and see if I do in fact start ovulating. 

Here's to hoping.

The Green Monster..

Okay. I know, I know. I'm selfish. Trust me, I'm well aware, but I can't help but feel constantly jealous and upset. It's like everyday someone else I know is getting pregnant. A friend of mine who's been married less than two years is now not only pregnant with her second child, but just found out that she's having twins. I hate feeling like this, I do. But I feel like emotionally I'm falling apart, and it's very discouraging, especially when you feel like nobody else understands. Each night I find myself upset and wanting to cry, and it just keeps getting worse. And I don't know how long I should wait before I just give up, and decide that my body just isn't going to work the way that it's supposed to.

David and I had talked about adopting a while back, but we wanted to adopt AFTER we had at least one of our own. I want the experience. I want to feel that feeling. I guess the other option is IVF, but it's just so expensive. I saw a thing online saying that it runs about $12,500. I suppose I could try and do a fundraiser should we choose to do that, and our insurance may cover some, but who knows. Agh. I hate this feeling. I want to be happy for my family and friends. And I am to some extent, but the biggest thing I feel right now is jealousy and resentment. :/

Introduction..

First let me start by introducing myself. My name is Erin, and I am 26 years old. My husband David and I have been married for 5 years this year, and decided back in May of last year that it was time for us to start trying to have a baby. When I was young, I was irregular, so I began taking birth control pills at the early age of 15, and have been on them every since, until this past June. Unfortunately, because of having been on the pill for so long, my body stopped producing the proper hormones. 

December came, and I still had not menstruating or ovulating again. In January, I saw the Dr., and he began me on Progesterone pills. I immediately got my first period since June, but then nothing came again for two months. I went back in March, and he decided to give me three months of progesterone and clomid to try and jump start my own hormones again. I have now completed two rounds of progesterone and one round clomid, and still nothing, and it's now been 11 months since I've been off of the pill. As of next week, I will begin yet another round of the hormones in hopes of getting my body to begin working again.

This has been a very emotionally draining process, and I can only imagine that it will continue to get worse in that manner as these next two months pass. But I wanted to share my journey with you, as both a way to let you in on my experience, as well as an outlet for the things that I am going through. 

There are a lot of things that I am feeling right now. Such as frustration with myself for my body not cooperating with the medications. Fear for if these medications simply do not begin working. Fear of the what it will cost me to attempt IVF should this not work. Sadness that I tried to do everything right and in the right order, and am having so much trouble. Jealously of those that have no trouble at all, and get to feel the happiness, love, and joy of being pregnant. 

This is my journey, and I welcome you to join me on it.